- witty remarks -

- Guys Night Out -

November 1, 2006

This actually happened a while ago, but it took me a long time to fully absorb and process.

The girls in the swing club occasionally have 'girls night' where they do exactly what one might expect - painting their nails, and making silver pipe cleaner tiaras for themselves because they like to be princesses. As one of the girls nights approached I received an email about a guys night and that I should attend going on the same night.

When I think of 'guys night out' I envision beer, pool, trespassing, smashing, raiding the girls night, and the drunk tank. Given the other people involved, I was realistically expecting to play some computer games or something, which would have been OK. That is why when I arrived at the house and found everybody playing instruments I was somewhat taken aback.

There were only four or five people there so I calmed down thinking 'it is still early, maybe they just wanted to play for a while until people got here.' In a few minutes two more people walked in who are more into the typical guys night activities. I thought to myself 'OK, here we go, surely music time has to be over now and we will go out and do something manly.' Jason then asked 'Hi guys, did you bring your instruments?' 'We sure did!' and they held up their respective trumpets. This is when I first started to suspect that something was amiss and I had missed some crucial memo.

So now there was a whole room full of people butchering this waltz song that they all seemed to like. Nobody had any music, they all seemed to know the song already. For about a minute I just blended into the background unseen, but then someone said 'what about Alex? He doesn't have an instrument!' This was immediately rectified and I was handed this small wooden recorder from a stand in some country whose main exports are wooden recorders, and maybe some sort of prickly fruit.

I of course had no idea how to play the recorder or what the song was so I was not sure what to do. Jason came over and showed me what to do - 'It's easy, you put your fingers like this, then this, then this for a half beat, then this for two beats, then repeat this next sequence not once, not twice, but thrice!' I was just staring blankly and nodding. When the song began again I just moved my fingers around and hoped that nobody would notice that there was no sound emanating from my vicinity. That was not meant to be, however, and after about 30 seconds everyone stopped in the middle so that they could all help me out. Helping me out consisted primarily of the same fingering speech I had just been given, except now by a room full of people at once (they all seemed to know how to play the wooden recorder already.)

After a few minutes of this, I got to the point where I thought I knew at least the first few seconds of the song. We tried it again and the second note that came out of the recorder was unusually loud and could not have been more wrong. It turns out that depending on how you blow into it, it plays a different set of notes. When this was explained to me all I could say was 'oh.'

After some time we eventually reached a sort of equilibrium, where I was able to play about 20 seconds of the song and then I would drop out and everyone else would keep going. This seemed to satisfy the other people in the sense that I was still participating, and I just had to remember the beginning and then I could space out for five minutes.

Everything seemed to be going OK until I heard some noise out front and all of a sudden all the girls from girls night burst into the door yelling and screaming. When they saw us all playing instruments in the living room the screaming stopped and was replaced by stunned silence. It was the most awkward five seconds of my life. Then, Jason suggests 'let's play the song for the girls!' The girls remained motionless in the doorway, clearly not understanding the finer points of 'guys night out.'

I had to make a decision: do I try my hardest to show the guys that I listened to what they were trying to teach me, or do I act like I just arrived and have no idea what is going on. Before I could reach a conclusion the song had started and I was already behind. I managed to fumble out two or three good notes before I became completely lost in a sea of musical ineptitude. I only had one option now: I ducked my head and moved my fingers around hoping that nobody would look at me.

After the concert, Jason started going on about how much fun we were having and how great we were doing - 'especially Alex, he just learned how to play it tonight and is really into it!' With that all the previously blank stares focused directly on me and my wooden tribal flute. Trying to remove the topic of discussion away from my musical performance, I suggested we play pictionary, where the tables would be turned and I would dominate!

The game lasted exactly five minutes. After a particularly poor round of drawing, this one guy stood up and yelled 'I HATE THIS FUCKING GAME!!' and threw the board across the room. And that was when I decided that it was time for me to go.

I was actually feeling pretty good, thinking that pictionary would overshadow the recital. The next day however, I ran into one of the girls and before I could say anything she started laughing hysterically - 'we busted into the room and you guys were all playing those instruments! And you were the funniest one! I have never seen anyone looked so freaked out as you with that wooden elementary school recorder! Why were you playing that anyway? Every time I see you from now on, that's all I'll be able to think about! And it wasn't just me, after we left I asked everyone "did you see Alex's face?!" and they were all like "oh man, it was freaking hilarious! What was he doing with that toy flute thing?!"'.

In conclusion, all I have to say about guys night out is: never again.

Note: The recorder at the top of the page is my roommate Lubos'. The real one was smaller and more obviously designed for eight year olds.